I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
