he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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