i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
