You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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