Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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