i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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