dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
