I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
