It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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