At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
