Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
