is your mom at the bar?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
