FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
