Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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