I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
