Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
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