she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
