He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
God I need to hump something, right now.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
