I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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