Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
