$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
