ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
