I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
