Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Randomize
