your parents love me but you hate me
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
