Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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