id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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