Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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