so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
