I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
