Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
