Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
