There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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