When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
