dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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