You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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