how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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