Got a toothbrush?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
