All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
