please come you make the beer taste better
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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