On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You left your phone here
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