I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
