My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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