I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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