If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
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Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
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Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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