now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
