You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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