Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
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I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
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Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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