I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
