I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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