I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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