Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
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