My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
