STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
