you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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