It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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