in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
