god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
our cab driver is having phone sex.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
