You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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