I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
