cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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