At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
