cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
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I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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