mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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