Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Randomize
