I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
